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OlgaElle
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Name: Olga
Location: Rochester, New York, United States
Birthday: 3/28/1984
Gender: Female
Interests: writing for you in 100 words or less
Expertise: being an amateur at everything that strikes my fancy
Occupation: seeking kindred spirits
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  Xoxolga238
Member Since:
9/27/2004
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here i am in my past life, as Aunt Victrola....bringing home the...victrola.
(well, it's actually from today, but take 100 years and it's quite fitting)
I occasionally check the footprints option on here to see who has clicked on to read a post... i've had the same reader from Illinois for a long while now. Will you let me know who you are? I'm most curious. email me, won't you? olga.lukomsky@gmail.com with the subject "illy-noise" ... tell me about yourself, do you write? have we met, perhaps last year when i was in chicago?
i had no desire to ever go the west coast. and i've already lived in california for 2 months, and now going to portland/seattle for 10 days. life is unpredictable. | | |
| it's a lovely day here on Park Avenue.
64 degree's, the tree's are blooming, and the dress is flowing.
i have achieved a set goal, and this is what it feels like.
the goal:
1. my own apartment
2. a dog
3. a simple, blue collar job
check, check, and check.
i put on my favorite black strapped, cotton dress. my lovely ray bans a la bob dylan, andy warhol, and david lynch. a blowy scarf, and off we go.
dog leash, with a puppy on the end. red purse, stuffed with random notes, loose change, makiage, several pens, and of course, my clove cigarettes. we walk a few miles, with an occasional linger to pick a bloom (i find tree's in bloom so much prettier than flowers). walk to a cafe, pick up a newspaper, check times at the local film house, sip iced coffee and water the puppy. all within the locale of home, friends, and familiar places.
feels good.
looks good, too.
ps: casiotone for the painfully alone released a 7" with 2 bruce springsteen songs; a tribute. a girl can't ask for much more.
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| i brought my record player to the new apartment... thus, internally accepting it as my new home; now it's official. tonight i'll tap a few keys on the typewriter to make a label on the mailbox... "miss olga lukomsky (lives here)".
i cook meals of couscous and serve tea, i organize books more often than i read them. i make my bed. i walk to have company.
this is a fine area to live in. family is near, and i think family is the greatest "thing" we can have. i yearn for my family, and i love them with a passion, and i don't say it often enough... but for a visit, for a phone call, for a house warming gift i am ever grateful.
self awareness inside of a family unit is what explains "he gives family to the lonely". what truth. what total truth.
i am glad i went away for those years. it really opened wounds in order to heal properly. it really showed me that the reason i was hurting and running away was because i yearned for the intimacy of a family. it seems we often run from something because it's what we really want but it's mangled somehow, broken, imperfect.
today i recalled an adolescent thought of, "i wish i could go to a country where no one knew me. i wish i could go be alone. i wish i could run away and leave it all behind". i still have the habit of almost booking a one way ticket to iceland. well anyway, it happened, my wish did come true, and i did run away and stay away for years. and recently, it completely came true. i was in a country, on a continent, where only one other person knew me. and when i was completely alone i faced myself, my true self with no room for unconditional love and loyalty... no room for excuses. i had a rare glimpse into the mirror of imperfection, and i couldn't handle it, it was terrifying. i don't think anyone can handle knowing the complete truth about themselves right away- it has to come in small doses, in conversations, in hearing a song, in losing someone you love, in small failures.
and now, i face the facts (the few that have been revealed so far), and i am content... not completely content, for there will always be an itch in me (i have yet to go live with the gypsies for a summer), but i am content enough to stay. i feel secure in the people, the film houses, the pet dog, around me. i've got a job, i've got a faith, and i've got my vinyl records. i am a little more awake to what i have been given, and i just want to be a good steward of it all. i want to connect more dots, and find more words in the cross word puzzle of daily, ordinary living.
Apartment 3: Hello.
i am neither coming, nor going. i'm staying, i'll walk till i can run.
(quite happy here, despite the blank look...)
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| February 14th. Valentines Day. It's funny, people expect me to hate Valentine's Day because I'm single. They think I'm going to act out some sitcom episode where the single girl watches T.V and eats a box of candy that she bought for herself (audience applause and laughter here). They put their hand on my shoulder and make an "aw" face when I say, "No, no Valentine this year". I think this has to a lot to do with me being of marriage age...or maybe it's the "Still Single...And Looking!" shirt I wear? Still, on Valentines Day, I am not Elaine from Seinfield... I am the Girl from the North Country.
It doesn't upset me; doesn't bother me at all. I've always liked Valentines Day, whether I was dating someone or not. It's a day to appreciate and be thankful for Love. I'm not going to neutralize it by saying "appreciate ALL kinds of love! Even family and friends!"... no, I think this is a special day to appreciate romantic love, commited love, lovers type of love. It's a day where I'm thankful that this type of love exists. A type of love that will one day be fulfilled, and filled to the brim for me, and you, and you. It's a day to confirm what I believe in and am waiting for.True Love.
And call me old fashioned but it's the day that I wonder about my future love-machine, where is he, what's he doing, hows the beard, etc. I made a promise when I was 13 or so, that I will wait for True Love. That I will not expire to loneliness, but will have to persevere...because I do believe it's worth it. I hold my heart reserved, and when I think of it that way, I don't even feel a tiny bit sad. I feel happy, like a big gift is coming, a time when a dream will be realized. I believe we can really be given the desires of our heart...through time and testing. A wise woman asked me to imagine my life in a few years, where will I be, who will I be with? She said to imagine it and really believe it, because God likes for us to dream. I told her: I imagine my true love, a man of books and outdoors, a little girl with striped tights, and an apartment full of literature, and records, and things we've made. And to know that the desires of my heart can come true...to really believe these things...they make Valentines Day just a timeless reminder that today will one day be yesterday in the Realms of True Love. Simply said, it's worth it, and I can wait... because the right time, the right place cannot be forced... My love is a moving stream, shifting rocks and sand and memories, and streams move onto bigger things, they meet, unite, and become one.
Happy Valentines Day, especially to those of us that believe in true love and are still waiting for it... If we wait, we will one day live out the Poetry of our Heart. And, Ahhh, sweetest heart, how peaceful I feel.
i go to this window
just as day dissolves
when it is twilight(and
looking up in fear
i see the new moon
thinner than a hair)
making me feel
how myself has been coarse and dull
compared with you, silently who are
and cling
to my mind always
But now she sharpens and becomes crisper
until i smile with knowing
--and all about
herself
the sprouting largest final air
plunges
inward with hurled
downward thousands of enormous dreams
e.e. cummings, XLI Poems, 1925
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| i made a mistake. a big mistake. trying to be someone i'm not.
in the end, finding out who i am. | | |
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